They Drive Me To Drink...Coffee

So right now I am sitting at the computer typing away. It is 8:45 A.M. I have been up for three hours, plus or minus those several baby awakenings last night for A) nightmares, B) new teeth breaking through, C) bink recovery squad, D) hunger, or E) husband snoring, mouth agape a la Elephant Man. At this point I am resisting the temptation to grab a couple toothpicks from the kitchen and prop open my eyelids like flaps on a camping tent (or maybe just stab my eyes out completely to save for later practical jokes and cheap parlor tricks). Yes, folks, it's the starting gun at the Babies Who Get Up Way Too *&#@ Early Marathon! I am a superstar competitor, after about four cups of coffee.

Okay, yes, this comes with having children. I get it. I hereby state that now I KNOW, before someone who shall remain nameless decides to call and remind me that millions of people have had babies and I should have known this before I decided to get knocked up so I should shut my cakehole and do I remember what we had to do when you were young and your father was working three jobs.......*cough*. Ahem. The point is, yes, I realize now what kind of sleep you get with small kids (none), and believe me, I wouldn't trade my sweet, grubby-handed boys for anything. In fact, right now is not even as bad as when they were newborns. Despite how tiny and pink and harmless they looked, I have never come so close to setting my hair on fire and locking myself in the linen closet to cry on the dust ruffles. At least then I could have been admitted to the sanitarium with the rest of the dips and I wouldn't have to worry about what to make for dinner.

All this, as you can imagine, has led to some serious caffeine binging and only because I truly want to enjoy the time I have with the little darlings before they grow up and learn the applicable uses of profanity. It might be getting to the point where I will start mainlining the stuff and my husband will find me hiding in the bathroom, sweating and trying to hide the track marks. In fact, my doctor asked me the other day, during a physical, if I thought I drank too much coffee. After I stopped laughing, I answered "well....gee I don't know. I don't think so." Of course this was after his, uh, "internal" exam wherein I made some crude comment about him owing me "dinner and a movie after that glove comes off." Seeing as how this was the military care facility that the President himself attends, I think my credibility was a little shot after that so he probably didn't believe me anyway.

I have to imagine there are better ways to energize yourself than loading your bloodstream with caffeine. I know someone who has for years gotten up at some God-awful hour (maybe 3 A.M.) to run, every morning, more miles than I may have logged during my entire four years of high school in the wretched purgatory of Phys. Ed. Of course he's in astounding shape but there's no way I would be able to pull off that routine without ingesting something with a way higher street value (although a raspberry-mocha cocaine latte would be a HUGE hit at Starbucks. Perhaps a soy Methaccino? Note to self: formulate proposal).

As I have been told by those older and wiser, there will come a time when the children grow up and learn to fend for themselves, when we will be able to reclaim our former lives and savor that feeling of watching what responsible adults they have become. Just kidding...actually I don't remember exactly what was said...something about a driver's license and ulcers...or maybe the police and juvy hall. Hmm. It will come to me soon. In the meantime, I will plan to make another pot of coffee, enjoy the time I have with my little guys, and await that juicy check from Starbucks.